Posted by: chibotaichi | May 7, 2012

“You are right where you are supposed to Be, right Now”

Shoot, and while I’m up, I have to tell you-

I’ve been thinking A LOT about my future (based on how I’m feeling NOW) and trying to better understand just what it is that I want for mySelf.

There is so much static, so many external broadcasts to tune out, that it is oftentimes difficult to find the signal from yourSelf. But it is worth the time and effort it takes to fiddle with that tuning knob and bring in that frequency.

I’ve always found great pleasure in music, and for a time I was convinced that I wanted to make my living with music. Lately, however, I am not so sure this is the case anymore. It could just be stress from the current situations, but it has been a while since music felt like a thrilling adventure or a nourishing reprieve.

Oftentimes people caution against making a hobby into a job, and I think I am finally experiencing a preview of what gives that warning merit. That said, the other perspective holds that by pursuing what we enjoy, we will never “Work” a day in our lives. Somehow the line between these positions must be straddled it seems.

I’ve been fond of observing the dilemma thusly…There is a funny trifecta at work here: 1) what you are good at doing. 2) what you enjoy doing. 3) what you can earn money doing.

For some, the reconciliation of these is easy. The very thing they love most comes naturally, and is profitable! Others have to accept that in order to pursue number 2 they must find number 3. Being skilled does not ensure enjoyment. In the past, I had great skill with mathematics, but it never was a joyful passion, and unfortunately for this reason that skill has all but eroded away. Kind of wasteful, really.

You could almost justly assert the same about my musical skill, but the truth is I have merely fostered different elements of my musical skills. Music is the perfect hobby for me, since there are probably more instruments the world-over than anyone could master in one or two lifetimes. My jack-of-all-spades curiosity has never ceased to be satisfied with this dimension of music. Violin, Drums, Guitar, Drums, Piano…classical strings and wind instruments are on the horizon, unless I come upon some tablas or a free sitar.

At any rate, the pleasure I get from music had me belieiving that music is a great idea for a career path. Something I enjoy doing so much couldn’t possibly feel like work, and if it did, better to wake up and go play music than sit at a cubicle!

I still believe that.

But music is not my only passion, at the end of the day.

I have a lingering appreciation for the intellectual affairs of Humanity. I have come to understand the darker side of this as well, but I still believe that these powerful minds are for our benefit moreso than to cause our undoing.

I have always had a deep love for learning. High school was a difficult time for me psycho-spiritually, but college was a revelation. I actually LOVE school. In spite of the aristocratic hangover that pervades Academia, I just absolutely love it. In fact, my stated plan-of-action in the early phases of my college education was to become a college professor.

To the unfocused (relatively speaking, naturally) eye, it would seem that I abandoned this notion in recent years, as I invested time and focus into musical endeavors. But as the clocks and calendars press on, I have been reminded of this rather straightforward Aim.

I am confident at this time that I will pursure this. I owe it to myself, frankly. The time is right, I suspect. This will ruffle the feathers of some and smooth the feathers of others. But far more importantly, it will be action taken from deep reflective thought AND feeling.

I am not delusional. Academia may yet prove to be taxing and grating on my psyche and spirit. At the worst, I view the option of working in institutional education as an exploration of number 3. I am fortunate enough, furthermore, to have many varied interests and pleasure, so my number 2 is hardly limited. If my jaunt as a college professor flares out, or fails to come to fruition, there will be other avenues to explore.

In short, I have been feeling so much pressure from the external world that I wasn’t hearing my inner-signal. These external broadcasts – confining, restricting – were but a grandiose distraction. Where these were dictating a narrowing of scope, I now realize my innerSelf has been calling for the opposite. The opportunities and possibilities have never been more vast; the world is my oyster, so to speak. In shedding the chains of perceived-duty, of Ego, of people-pleasing, I see now that I have never been more Free to pursue MY Dreams!

To quote the lovely and inspired Kathryn Budig,

“Aim True!”


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