Posted by: kgnarlym | July 12, 2014

Hindsight, and the Clarity It Offers

I was attempting to fill in some blanks surrounding a recollection I have about predicting (technically, I was “told” it was going to happen so perhaps I didn’t predict anything at all) a home run during a baseball game a number of years ago…

There is the slimmest chance that I may have documented my thoughts from that evening (could have been a day-game for all I really know) on MySpace…yes, it was at least that long ago.

Anyhow, I logged in to MySpace with no trouble at all. No forgotten password, same email address for the log-in. Odd, considering how often I forget both for accounts I use far more often than MySpace.

I quickly set about trying to locate my blog entries and discovered that you have to download them in a zip file. Entries that had been meticulously, and at other times recklessly or arbitrarily, titled were now presented as just a blurb of digits; utterly meaningless to me in this moment.

I started opening entries at random and was humored, shocked, appalled, amused and more by what I found.

A great many of the entries are just obnoxious stream-of-consciousness (or stream-of-unconsciousness, as the case may be) rants about whatever I encountered on a given day. There is ample profanity, racial slurs (used without malice, but still plenty distasteful), brash and arrogant opinions…all the trademarks of a Mind still hampered by the weight of a tumultuous adolescence.

There are also some moments of clarity. Well thought out and eloquently expressed ideas and reflections. Proof that a shift was underway. 

That shift is one I have taken for granted largely. It’s easy to forget where base-camp is when you’ve been climbing up the mountain for a while.

But the contrast between those sometimes drug-induced rants and perhaps more tellingly the sober but simply stupid ones, and those that had something worthwhile to say is a fascinating testimonial to the power of the Path.

In some ways it feels like ripping bandages off of wounds I had long decided to ignore. Reading some of the things I published online (not to mention poured into the Universe) is a cringe-worthy experience. But I am finding myself quick to forgive thatself. Something thatself wouldn’t be able to comprehend.

This is only additional proof that my Journey has provided plenty of growth.

It might be a tad uncomfortable and awkward to visit with these little ghosties from the Past, but the perspective they provide is priceless and it’s quite reassuring to have tangible proof of the progress I’ve made as a Person.

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