Posted by: chibotaichi | June 28, 2015

Now Leaving: FunkTown

I’ve been in a funk, and not the Good and Groovy kind!

It’s been months, but fortunately, those months haven’t been brutal.

Back-in-the-Day I went through a pretty deep depression and I’ve realized ever since I put it behind me how much of a gift it was. It wasn’t fun at the time. I wouldn’t actually wish it on anybody, but you can learn an awful lot in the dark.

Ever since I emerged from that, I have had a certain conviction that Life is indeed Good, even when it seems Bad.

Nothing can shake that.

When you spend significant time considering abandoning Life, but are, for whatever reason and by whatever means, convinced to stick around, you tend to get some perspective.

I was probably never going to bother with committing suicide back then because I was too apathetic and nihilistic to take the easy way out. Might as well make myself suffer, was probably the logic.

It’s a little bit funny now, because that is exactly what I did, and I think it was worth it.

Having a front-row seat to what would prove to be the death of a young man (a couple years younger than I, was he) triggered the real shift in my thinking.

The vast majority of FirstWorldProblems are a luxury. Even searing, raging, irrepressible hurt is a luxury.

It’s all in the Fine Print.

This Is Human.

In the years following that incident I had a great leveling-out of emotion. It was a relief after so many years of tumultuous existence. I came to see this as something like a reward for having gritted out those gnarly years. And I really believe that’s how it works. Sit with the Dark, hop in the pressure-cooker, burn it all away. The only way out is to dive all the way in. The happiest people are often that way because they’ve already made acquaintance with their demons.

Anyhow, I had a good run of living in that balance. A Buddhist or Stoic sense of detachment  served me well, and does to this day. Nature only needs Nurture, right?

But that balance got a big boot in the face, by the one thing that, Naturally, could do such a thing: Beautiful Women.

Haha. It’s Classic.

This. Is. Human.

There were several episodes in this saga, but the seeming-series-finale had the most impact.

I’d been afforded the chance to once again taste the crushed-chest sensation I knew so well way back when. The Dance of Full and Empty that can happen so fast you want to vomit. It was actually startlingly refreshing. I had forgotten that I was capable of feeling that way.

All that seems to have run its course however, which is a bummer in so many ways, but also just fine.

Nothing to Quit altogether about.

But for months, there was a blandness.

Plenty of Happy moments, and plenty of Sad, but everything else just seemed to be a bit off.

A lack of Inspiration.

Life was Good, but Basic.

Very recently I’ve found myself settling back into my Groove.

The Spark seems to have returned.

Music feels like Magic again.

Insight feels worthwhile.

Things are looking Up instead of Flat.

I don’t know where any of this all really leads (other than the obvious destination)

but I’mma keep rollin’ along!


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