Posted by: kgnarlym | December 6, 2016

Irrational, but Real, Reasons… (Why I don’t say It)

When I was a wee lad in kindergarten, I was once given the privilege and responsibility of delivering the daily attendence form to the school’s office.
Each student got an opportunity to do this, and was also required (or at the very least encouraged) to appoint a companion for the daunting task ahead.
For what seemed to be obvious reasons, I picked the most beautiful girl I had ever known up to that point in my life (we’ll call her MC here) to join me for a stroll through the halls of Alice Smith Elementary School.
Smooth. This was so smooth! MC and I, we’ll deliver the attendence and then keep walking all the way to Happily Everafter.
I was immediately mocked, teased, and chastised for this decision. A response that makes sense on the one hand, as children are kind of like that, but I have to admit at the time I was extremely baffled and unfortunately for me (and a number of people I’ve known since) this had a powerful and lasting impact on me.
I was talking with some folks after a desperately needed yoga class recently and very briefly the concept of “triggers” came up. The tiniest moments can be seared into out memories forever, and the subtlest situations can unleash an avalanche of anxiety or grief. Not long after this conversation I remembered that resonant moment from my childhood.
This isn’t the first time I’ve considered the implications of that moment. I’m far too prone to Thought to not have considered thousands of possible connections to, and from, that particular day of kindergarten.
And yet, for the first time I am recognizing that the reaction of the tribe surrounding me at that time made me feel astonishingly ashamed and embarassed and those feelings have been there in my bags of emotion ever since, weighing down my capacity to express admiration, adoration, and even respect, for a lot of people.
The more I feel it and mean it, the more difficult it is for me to say it and show it.
Not a good scenario, for obvious reasons.

And merely another layer to peel away.
Just keep swimming folks (or climbing, or whatever it is you do)- that’s all we can do.

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